Excerpts from Ambrose Bierce’s Devil's Dictionary
A
Accuracy, n. A certain uninteresting quality carefully excluded from human statements.
Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.("For who not needs shall never lack a friend,/And who in want a hollow friend doth try,/Directly seasons him his enemy.", Hamlet)
Adam’s Apple, n. A protuberance on the throat of a man, thoughtfully provided by Nature to keep the rope in place.
Adherent, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.
Admirability, n. My kind of ability, as distinguished from your kind of ability.
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
Adolescent, adj. Recovering from boyhood.
Affliction, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and
bitter world. (Note: AB frequently used the phrase “another and bitter world” (i.e., hell) to mock the phrase “another and better world,” a popular reference to paradise in the hereafter. Another version reads: “A method of breaking it to us gently.”)
Age, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.
Air, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
Alliance, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
Amnesty, n. The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
Apologize, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.
Applause, n. The echo of a platitude.
Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
Argue, v.t. To tentatively consider with the tongue.
Army, n. A class of non-producers who defend the nation by devouring everything likely to tempt an enemy to invade.
Arrest, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
“God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.”
— The Unauthorized Version.
B
Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
Bait, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.
Ballot, n. A simple device by which a majority proves to a minority the folly of resistance. Many worthy persons of imperfect thinking apparatus believe that majorities govern through some inherent right; and minorities submit, not because they must, but because they ought.
Befriend, v.t. To make an ingrate (i.e. an ungrateful person).
Benefactor, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all (i.e. affordable for all).
Benevolence, n. Subscribing five dollars toward the relief of one’s aged grandfather in the alms house, and publishing it in the newspaper.
Bequeath, v.t. To generously give to another that which can be no longer denied to somebody.
Betray, v.t. To make payment for confidence.
Betrothed, pp. The condition of a man and woman who, pleasing to one another and objectionable to their friends, are anxious to propitiate (i.e. to gain or regain the favor of; appease) society by becoming unendurable to each other.
Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Bomb, or Bomb-shell, n. A besieger’s argument in favor of capitulation, skillfully adapted to the understandings of the women and children.
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think... In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
C
Charity, n. An amiable quality of the heart which moves us to condone in others the sins and vices to which ourselves are addicted.
Chinaman, n. A working man whose faults are docility, skill, industry, frugality and temperance, and whom we clamor to be forbidden by law to employ; whose labor opens countless avenues of employment to the whites, and cheapens the necessities of life to the poor; to whom the squalor of poverty is imputed as a congenial vice, exciting not compassion but resentment.
“It’s very rough to fine a man
For stoning of a Chinaman.”
-Candidate. (Note: AB’s lifelong defense of Chinese immigrants (“coolies”) made him very unpopular in California.)
Clergyman, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.
Client, n. A person who has made the customary choice between the two methods of being legally robbed.
Commerce, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
Compliment, n. A loan that bears interest.
Conceit, n. Self-respect in one whom we dislike.
Condole, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.
Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Cordiality, n. The peculiarly engaging quality of manner toward one who is about to enjoy the distinction of being overreached.
Corpse, n. A person who manifests the highest possible degree of indifference that is consistent with a civil regard for the solicitude of others.
Coward, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Cremation, n. The process by which the cold meats of humanity are warmed over.
Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.
Culprit, n. The other fellow.
Cynic, n. A blackguard(a rude or unscrupulous person; scoundrel) whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic’s eyes to improve his vision.
D
Dad, n. A father whom his vulgar children do not respect.
Dead, adj. “Done with the work of breathing; done
With all the world; the mad race run
Through to the end; the golden goal
Attained and found to be a hole!”
-Squatol Johnes.
Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.
Deist, n. One who believes in God, but reserves the right to worship the Devil.
Deliberation, n. The act of examining one’s bread to determine which side it is buttered on (i.e. to understand what is to your benefit).
Dependent, adj. Reliant upon another’s generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.
Deserve, n. The quality of being entitled to what somebody else obtains.
Diagnosis, n. A physician’s forecast of disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.
Die, n. The singular of “dice.”
Discussion, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.
Disobedience, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
E
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Equal, adj. As bad as something else.
Evanescence, n. The quality that so charmingly distinguishes happiness from grief, and enables us to make an immediate comparison between pleasure and pain, for better enjoyment of the former.
Exception, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. “The exception proves the rule” is an expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, “Ex-ceptio probat regulam” means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.
Excursion, n. An expedition of so disagreeable a character that steamboat and railroad fares are compassionately mitigated to the miserable sufferers.
Executioner, n. A person who does what he can to abate the ravages of senility and reduce the chances of being drowned.
Exile, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
Exonerate, v.t. To show that from a series of vices and crimes some particular crime or vice was accidentally omitted.
Expediency, n. The father of all the virtues. ("Government is at best but an expedient; but most governments are usually, and all governments are sometimes, inexpedient.", Henry David Thoreau, On the Duty of Civil Disobedience)
A
Accuracy, n. A certain uninteresting quality carefully excluded from human statements.
Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.("For who not needs shall never lack a friend,/And who in want a hollow friend doth try,/Directly seasons him his enemy.", Hamlet)
Adam’s Apple, n. A protuberance on the throat of a man, thoughtfully provided by Nature to keep the rope in place.
Adherent, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.
Admirability, n. My kind of ability, as distinguished from your kind of ability.
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
Adolescent, adj. Recovering from boyhood.
Affliction, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and
bitter world. (Note: AB frequently used the phrase “another and bitter world” (i.e., hell) to mock the phrase “another and better world,” a popular reference to paradise in the hereafter. Another version reads: “A method of breaking it to us gently.”)
Age, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.
Air, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
Alliance, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
Amnesty, n. The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
Apologize, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.
Applause, n. The echo of a platitude.
Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
Argue, v.t. To tentatively consider with the tongue.
Army, n. A class of non-producers who defend the nation by devouring everything likely to tempt an enemy to invade.
Arrest, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
“God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.”
— The Unauthorized Version.
B
Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
Bait, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.
Ballot, n. A simple device by which a majority proves to a minority the folly of resistance. Many worthy persons of imperfect thinking apparatus believe that majorities govern through some inherent right; and minorities submit, not because they must, but because they ought.
Befriend, v.t. To make an ingrate (i.e. an ungrateful person).
Benefactor, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all (i.e. affordable for all).
Benevolence, n. Subscribing five dollars toward the relief of one’s aged grandfather in the alms house, and publishing it in the newspaper.
Bequeath, v.t. To generously give to another that which can be no longer denied to somebody.
Betray, v.t. To make payment for confidence.
Betrothed, pp. The condition of a man and woman who, pleasing to one another and objectionable to their friends, are anxious to propitiate (i.e. to gain or regain the favor of; appease) society by becoming unendurable to each other.
Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Bomb, or Bomb-shell, n. A besieger’s argument in favor of capitulation, skillfully adapted to the understandings of the women and children.
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think... In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
C
Charity, n. An amiable quality of the heart which moves us to condone in others the sins and vices to which ourselves are addicted.
Chinaman, n. A working man whose faults are docility, skill, industry, frugality and temperance, and whom we clamor to be forbidden by law to employ; whose labor opens countless avenues of employment to the whites, and cheapens the necessities of life to the poor; to whom the squalor of poverty is imputed as a congenial vice, exciting not compassion but resentment.
“It’s very rough to fine a man
For stoning of a Chinaman.”
-Candidate. (Note: AB’s lifelong defense of Chinese immigrants (“coolies”) made him very unpopular in California.)
Clergyman, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.
Client, n. A person who has made the customary choice between the two methods of being legally robbed.
Commerce, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
Compliment, n. A loan that bears interest.
Conceit, n. Self-respect in one whom we dislike.
Condole, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.
Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Cordiality, n. The peculiarly engaging quality of manner toward one who is about to enjoy the distinction of being overreached.
Corpse, n. A person who manifests the highest possible degree of indifference that is consistent with a civil regard for the solicitude of others.
Coward, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Cremation, n. The process by which the cold meats of humanity are warmed over.
Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.
Culprit, n. The other fellow.
Cynic, n. A blackguard(a rude or unscrupulous person; scoundrel) whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic’s eyes to improve his vision.
D
Dad, n. A father whom his vulgar children do not respect.
Dead, adj. “Done with the work of breathing; done
With all the world; the mad race run
Through to the end; the golden goal
Attained and found to be a hole!”
-Squatol Johnes.
Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.
Deist, n. One who believes in God, but reserves the right to worship the Devil.
Deliberation, n. The act of examining one’s bread to determine which side it is buttered on (i.e. to understand what is to your benefit).
Dependent, adj. Reliant upon another’s generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.
Deserve, n. The quality of being entitled to what somebody else obtains.
Diagnosis, n. A physician’s forecast of disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.
Die, n. The singular of “dice.”
Discussion, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.
Disobedience, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
E
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Equal, adj. As bad as something else.
Evanescence, n. The quality that so charmingly distinguishes happiness from grief, and enables us to make an immediate comparison between pleasure and pain, for better enjoyment of the former.
Exception, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. “The exception proves the rule” is an expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, “Ex-ceptio probat regulam” means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.
Excursion, n. An expedition of so disagreeable a character that steamboat and railroad fares are compassionately mitigated to the miserable sufferers.
Executioner, n. A person who does what he can to abate the ravages of senility and reduce the chances of being drowned.
Exile, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
Exonerate, v.t. To show that from a series of vices and crimes some particular crime or vice was accidentally omitted.
Expediency, n. The father of all the virtues. ("Government is at best but an expedient; but most governments are usually, and all governments are sometimes, inexpedient.", Henry David Thoreau, On the Duty of Civil Disobedience)
Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
Extinction, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
F
Fable, n. A brief lie intended to illustrate some important truth.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Farce, n. A brief drama commonly played after a tragedy for the purpose of deepening the dejection of the critical. (Note: The definition reflects the ancient Greek practice of presenting a satyr play following tragedies by three competing playwrights during the festival of the Great Dionysia in Athens during the fifth century BCE)
Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
Fidelity, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Forbidden,pp. Invested with a new and irresistible charm.
Forgiveness, n. A stratagem to throw an offender off his guard and catch him red-handed in his next offense.
Fraud, n. The life of commerce, the soul of religion, the bait of courtship and the basis of political power.
Freedman, n. A person whose manacles have sunk so deeply into the flesh that they are no longer visible.
Freethinker, n. A miscreant who wickedly refuses to look out (i.e. watch out; be careful) of a priest’s eyes, and persists in looking into them with too searching a glance. Freethinkers were formerly
shot, burned, boiled,
racked, flogged, cropped
drowned, hanged, disemboweled
impaled, beheaded, skinned
With the lapse of time our holy religion has fallen into the hands and hearts of merciful and humane expounders, and the poor freethinker’s punishment is entrusted to Him who said, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay.” Here on earth the misguided culprit is only
threatened, pursued, reviled
avoided, silenced, cursed
insulted, robbed, cheated
harassed, derided, slandered
Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
Friendship, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
G
Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.
“Whether on the gallows high
Or where blood flows the reddest,
The noblest place for man to die—
Is where he died the deadest.”
-Old Play.
Gambler, n. A man.
Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
H
Habit, n. A shackle for the free.
Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Harbor, n. A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the customs.
Hermit, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.
Historian, n. A broad-gauge gossip.
Host, n. In popular usage, a man who in consideration of your weekly payments permits you to call yourself his guest.
Houseless, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods.
Humanitarian, n. A person who believes the Savior was human and himself is divine.
Hypocrite, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.
I
I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer to the grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselves is difficult, but fine. The frank yet graceful use of “I” distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot("In most books, the I, or first person, is omitted; in this it will be retained; that, in respect to egotism, is the main difference. We commonly do not remember that it is, after all, always the first person that is speaking. I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience. Moreover, I, on my side, require of every writer, first or last, a simple and sincere account of his own life, and not merely what he has heard of other men's lives; some such account as he would send to his kindred from a distant land; for if he has lived sincerely, it must have been in a distant land to me.", Henry David Thoreau, "Economy").
Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.
Immoral, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.
Impenitence, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.
Imprudence, n. A peculiar charm attaching to certain actions, adding a new delight to such as are sinful and somewhat mitigating the wearisome character of those that are good.
Impunity, n. Wealth.
Incorporation, n. The act of uniting several persons into one fiction called a corporation, in order that they may be no longer responsible for their actions. A, B and C are a corporation. A robs, B steals and C (it is necessary that there be one gentleman in the concern) cheats. It is a plundering, thieving, swindling corporation. But A, B and C, who have jointly determined and severally executed every crime of the corporation, are blameless. It is wrong to mention them by name when censuring their acts as a corporation, but right when praising... The scoundrel who invented incorporation is dead—he has disincorporated.
Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, “Heaven lies about us.”(from the poem Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood) The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
Ingratitude, n. A form of self-respect that is not inconsistent with acceptance of favors.
Insane, adj. Addicted to the conviction that others are insane.
Interpreter, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for the other to have said.
Intimacy, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
Introduction, n. The introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century, being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without request or permission.The Declaration of Independence should have read thus:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to introduce persons to one another without first ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another’s happiness with a running pack of strangers.”
Invasion, n. The patriot’s most approved method of attesting his love of his country.
J
Judge, n. A person who is always interfering in disputes in which he has no personal interest.
Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
K
Kill, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
Kindness, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
L
Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
Language, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another’s treasure.
Laziness, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
Legacy, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
Life, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, “Is life worth living?” has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy.
M
March, n. A title in the affairs of an army swayed by the attraction of loot.
Marvellous, adj. Not understood.
Meander, v.i. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.
Mediate, v.i. To butt in.
Mind, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
Misdemeanor, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.
Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
Monarchical Government, n. Government.
Money, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
Monosyllabic, adj. ...The words are commonly Saxon—that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. (Note: AB railed against Joaquin Miller’s admonition that poets use only Saxon words: “Our words of one syllable are commonly Saxon words, that is to say, the words of a primitive people without a wide range of thought, feeling and sentiment... the richer thoughts and higher emotions must clothe themselves in the words of peoples to whom they were known—in the ductile derivatives of the Norman-French, the Greek and the incomparable Latin. It is to the unlearned only that our brief bald Saxon words seem the only natural, graphic and sufficient ones” (“Joaquin Miller on Joaquin Miller,” E, 30 Jan. 1898: 7 [magazine section]).)
"The man who writes in Saxon
Is the man to use an ax on."
-Judibras.
Monument, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.
Morning, n. The end of night and dawn of dejection.
Mortality, n. The part of immortality that we know about.
Motive, n. A mental wolf in moral wool.
N
Nonsense, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary.
Novel, n. A short story padded... The art of writing novels... is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace to its ashes—some of which have a large sale.
O
Oblivion, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame’s eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock.
Obsolete, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good writer.
Occult, adj. Knowable to those only who think it worth knowing.
Once, adv. Enough.
Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves.
“What shall we do now?” the King asked. “Liberal institutions cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition.”
“Splendor of the universe,” replied the Prime Minister, “it is true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust.”
So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty’s Opposition embalmed防腐處理 and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts贅疣 was defeated—the members of the Government party had not been nailed to their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished from Ghargaroo.
Optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong.
Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
Otherwise, adv. No better.
Outcome, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule (that) the wisdom of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be judged by the light that the doer had when he performed it.
Outdo, v.t. To make an enemy.
Out-of-doors, n. That part of one’s environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.
Outrage, n. Any disagreeable act, considered from the viewpoint of the victim of it. A denial of immunity.
P
Pain, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
Pantheism, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.
Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance.
Pastime, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility(i.e. frailty).
Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel(note: Johnson’s actual comment is: “Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.” It derives not from his dictionary but from Boswell’s Life of Johnson (under the date 7 Apr. 1775)). With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
Perseverance, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Pitiful, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.
Pity, n. A failing(i.e. declining) sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
Plan, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.
Platter, n. A senseless thing that holds food without eating it.
Please, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
Plunder, v. To take the property of another without observing the decent and customary reticences(i.e. reserve) of theft... To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanished opportunity.
Pocket, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience.
Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
Price, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
Promise, n. A form of incantation to conjure up a hope that is to be exorcised later by inattention.
Property, n. ...The object of man’s brief rapacity and long indifference.
Public, n. The negligible factor in problems of legislation.
R
Rack, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth.
Radicalism, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.
Railroad, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off.
Rank, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.
Read, v. To get the sense of something written, if it has any. Commonly, it has not.
Reason, v.i. To weigh probabilities in the scales of desire.
Reasonable, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.
Rebel, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.
Reconsider, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.
Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso(archaic term for ‘whoever’) believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
Retaliation, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of Law.
R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of requiescat in pace (rest in peace), attesting an indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than reductus in pulvis (reduced to dust).
Robber, n. A candid man of affairs.
S
Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement.
Self-evident, adj. Evident to one’s self and to nobody else.
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Siren（塞壬，半人半鳥的女海妖）, n. One of several musical prodigies神童 famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave.
Slang, n. ...The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot.
Sorcery, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence.
Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one’s fellows.
Symbol, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for something else. Many symbols are mere “survivals”—things which having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that conceals our helplessness.
T
Take, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
Talk, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.
Tariff, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Tenacity, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm.
Tomb, n. The House of Indifference.
Trial, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.
Trace, n. Friendship.
Truthful, adj. Dumb and illiterate.
Twice, adv. Once too often (i.e. repeating a bad action).
U
Understanding, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.
V
Virtues, n.pl. Certain abstentions.
Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
W
Wall street, n. a symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke.
Wedding, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
White, adj. and n. Black.
Z
Zigzag, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man’s burden.
